I like it when strangers get to see my cooter

Today I had my ultrasound, and I still smell like hospital-ness. I started off my morning by drinking two bottles of water, and then collecting the President and driving him to the vets. After I dropped him back off at the house, I called to my mom and said, "Hey you. Get in this car." And she did. We then drove to the place where they do ultrasounds. In total, I drank four bottles of water. Four. I had to pee before I even got there.
"Take all your clothes off and put on this gown." the technician told me as she lead me to a change room.
"Everything?" I asked her.
"You can keep your underwear on."
I sighed in relief because it would be harder to stick anything up anywhere with my underwear in the way. This meant the chances of a surprise invasive procedure were slim to none. 
I had been hoping that I'd be able to keep my pants on in general, and, once I realized that wasn't possible, I cursed myself for not making sure my bikini line was waxed before going to my appointment. The technician instructed me to lay down on the table and get comfortable. She then grabbed a towel and I thought, "Great! I won't have to lay on the table with my underwear hanging out while she does this whole thing. That is when I felt a draft. The technician tucked the towel into my underwear, as well as pulled my already low-rising underwear down so that they we barely covering anything.
"One more inch and you're going to know me really well." I told her.
She laughed and shook her head. I was not kidding though. I didn't want to look down to see how low she had pulled my underwear.. It felt like I might as well have forgone it, but I was praying that I was left with more covered than the breeze was implying. "Just ignore it, and act like this nice lady cannot see your cha-cha." I told myself.
"Your bladder is only 1/2 full, so we're going to come back to the pelvic ultrasound after we finish the abdominal ultrasound." she explained.
"It feels like it is very full. How much urine can a bladder hold?" I asked her.
"Between 10 and 20 ounces."
"I see." It was a lie though. I did not see. I am not very good with units of measurement and therefore had no real frame of reference.
After that there was a lot of polite conversation and more than a dozen "Breathe in... hold it..... okay, breathe out." After the abdominal ultrasound, the technician checked the progress of my bladder.
"You're still only 3/4 full. I will give you two more glasses of water to drink and we'll wait twenty minutes. You can change back into your regular clothes, and you can keep those on when we come back to do the pelvic ultrasound."
I thought I would die. I already had to pee so bad that I could not sit still. In the waiting room, I drank the water I was given and waited with my mom until they called me back in. I also forgot to mention that during the abdominal ultrasound I thought I was going to throw-up (at first) because she had to look at my stomach and that requires a little bit of pushing on the stomach and so on. I also was a little gassy, and I worried that when she was pushing on other parts of my abdomen I would end up letting one go. So it only made sense that, by the time my bladder was ready for the pelvic, I was seriously worried that I was going to wet myself. And lucky for me that I was now wearing my own clothes, so, if I did end up wetting myself, I'd have to go home in wet shorts. The technician got re-acquainted with my cooter (when she tucked another towel into my underwear) and proceeded to slide the wand over the surface of my stomach. Once we finished, I jumped the gun on pulling up my pants. All the ultrasound goo ended up coating the inside of my shorts. I didn't notice this until I went to the bathroom (which felt like heaven) and encountered wet, cold jelly. I wish I could say it was the first time I had experienced such things.
All in all, I enjoyed my ultrasound experience. So far I've had two ultrasound (or I guess technically three) without being knocked up. I figure by the time I am pregnant I will be a pro at it.


#0 said...

Glad to hear that you had fun at ur ultrasound :) Why did you need one anyways? (Sorry, I'm new here so may have missed the context).

Megan said...

Hi there! I got my ultrasound to try and figure out why I've had this pain in my side. I had an x-ray done not too long ago as well..

Anonymous said...

The frankness with your thoughts is hilarious and enlightening. It's good to know we all have similar thoughts and aren't alone in that.