Chirstmas Posts

Burlington seems to be a little confused.
In recent years the city has decided to create its own festival of lights, only its displays lack any thematic consistency.
Santa flying a helicopter, seals balancing balls on their noses, and dinosaurs.... I do not know what holiday they are celebrating at the lake front, but it is not one that I am familiar with.
As a result of this confusion, I have taken it upon myself to inform the entire city that these lights are ridiculous. "Performing seals and dolphins jumping out of waves have nothing to do with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or winter!" I shout through my car window as I drive by. I can only do these things when driving my own car because both my parents, brother, and sister all put on the child locks when I am riding as a passenger with them so that I am unable to open the windows to shout things at people.
- 12.20.07

Secret Confession: I sometimes call my brother on his cell phone when I know he is driving his car just to see if he will answer. And when he answers, because he does always answer, I proceed to cite statistics on traffic accidents involving cell phones to him.
- 12.21.07

I handed her the plaster hand and lamented about how my mother refused to mount it on the wall.
"Oh my, but you're missing finger prints on two fingers," she noted.
I narrowed my eyes and glared at her suspiciously. "Are you trying to steal my identity Grandma?" I asked, completely serious, but she just laughed.
In spite of my reservations, my Grandma is now the proud owner of one plaster replica of my hand. I am fairly certain that it is now only a matter of time before she goes on a crime spree, planting my finger prints everywhere to ensure that she is never caught.
- 12.25.07

A few years ago, in what I can only assume was an attempt at family bonding, my father bought two snowmobiles and proceeded to outfit the entire family (with the exception of my older sister because apparently she is unimportant) with skidoo suits, boots, helmets and gloves.
I will take a minute right now to explain something to you, internet. I am not the kind of person whom others look at and say to themselves, "Wow, is she ever cool." Quite frankly, I am the kind of person that people look at and say, "Wow, how did someone so completely uncoordinated ever manage to survive into adulthood?" To my recollection, only once have I ever been referred to as cool (in anything but a sarcastic manner at least), and ironically enough I was doing something decidedly dorky at the time. Cool is not something I aspire to be, so none of this has ever bothered me. But I digress...
I have made it somewhat of a mission in life to become the antithesis of cool, and so it should come as no surprise when I tell you that, in shopping for my skidoo attire, I tried to find the most horrendous outfit I could. If there had been a hot pink, nylon, one piece skidoo suit I would have fallen in love, but alas the best I could find was plain black. But for a helmet I had my eyes set on something I referred to as "the flamer".
- 12.27.07

"I'll have to think about it," I told him.
"It will be fun," he insisted.
"But the last time I went there I ended up vomiting out the sliding door of my van and snorting ecstasy off of the counter. And that's just what I can remember doing. There are entire portions of the evening that I still cannot even account for."
"See!" He says emphatically, "you had a good time."
I decided to ignore him because I knew that if I tried to say anything to the contrary he would simply argue that this "good time" happened during the part of the night that I have no recollection of.
- 12.30.07


Because I haven't written about bowel movements in a little while

There was no way I could lie about it, she had caught me red handed - or, better yet, red mouthed.
"What are you eating?" She inquired.
"Beets," I replied, trying to ensure no food escaped my mouth as I answered her.
"How many beets did you eat?"
I swallowed and backed up just a little before responding, "all of them."
She shook her head in mock disappointment, trying not to laugh, and turned around to return to whatever it was that she had been doing before she had so stealthily apprehended me.
Later, when I would spend an hour in the bathroom producing feces in a startlingly, lovely shade of magenta, I wondered if perhaps she had somehow known that I had ultimately already punished myself.


Putting my English degree to good use!

I've spent an inordinate amount of time pondering the lyrics of Fergie's "London Bridge". More specifically, the chorus of the song is what has captured my attention. I understand that "London Bridge" is clearly a colloquialism for something sexual, but I am perplexed as to what. At first I thought that perhaps Fergie was using London Bridge as a metaphor for her underwear. In this case, the lyrics suggest that every time Fergie finds herself in a state of sexual excitement she feels an inexplicable desire to tragically end the lives of approximately 3,000 people (which is what occurred in 1212 due to the earliest of the fires of London). To be fair, Fergie could equally be referencing one of the other disasters that befell the bridge, such as the Tornado of 1901 or a fire in 1136, which did not have quite as much of a catastrophic impact on human life.
However, upon examining both the single's album cover, as well as its video, one might notice that the featured bridge is not in fact London Bridge at all, but rather Tower Bridge. This could indicate that the lyrics to the song actually mistakenly reference Tower Bridge, meaning the properties of Fergie's "London Bridge" should be compared to those of Tower Bridge in order to properly convey the meaning behind the lyrics. It is important to mention at this point in time that Tower Bridge is actually a Bascule bridge. Taking this information into account, the song lyrics would actually indicate that Fergie finds herself in a perpetual state of arousal and it is only when she is in the presence of the subject of her song that she is able to return to a less - umm - exuberant state of being. This could suggest that, in the song, Fergie is actually attempting to examine the propensity a particular individual has to negatively effect her day/evening.
Taking the rest of the song lyrics into account, it seems plausible that Fergie may actually be expressing her discontent with the paparazzi over their intrusive impact on her day-to-day life and ability to enjoy public outings.
If you think about it, "London Bridge" actually has the potential to be a very deep song. But, in all reality, it is probably still about panties.


But maybe I will start using bean bags when practicing

Every time my parents buy tangerines, I feel as though it is finally my chance to become a world class juggler. Each time I pass by the little wooden, mesh covered crate that holds the fruit, I pull out two (three would be too ambitious) and begin to toss them in the air. Without fail, just as I start to congratulate myself on how well I am doing, one of the tangerines will unceremoniously drop to the floor. It is at this point in time that I quickly look around the kitchen, to make sure no one has witnessed my faux-pas, and then tuck the floor stricken fruit back under the mesh from whence it came and proceed to sneak out of the room.
Later, when a family member wonders aloud why their tangerine is slightly mushy, I sigh and make a silent vow to myself that, one day, I will learn how to juggle.