Your continued existence annoys me, which only causes me further aggravation because I am then forced to acknowledge what an incredible prick I am for being annoyed by someone's existence.
I do not understand it, but the idea of you fills me with anger. Anger. Can you believe that? I never thought myself to be an angry person, but clearly I was mistaken.
- 27/01/08

I filled my sisters car with snow.
That's slightly misleading. I did not actually fill the car with snow, but I did place a great deal of snow inside of the car.
- 07/02/08

"I've heard that Ikea is a great place for a first date," the man standing next to me in the grocery store aisle declared.
On my knees, perusing the display of various powdered sauce mixes, I glanced in the direction of the voice in an attempt to determine who the man was speaking to. After awkwardly meeting his gaze, it became apparent that he was talking to me. Having never found myself in this situation in the past, I briefly scrutinized the stranger, deciding if this was an interaction I felt like having. In the end, I realized it was not.
"I am buying an economy sized pack of super absorbent tampons. Think about that for a minute and then tell me if you think right now is a good time to ask me to go anywhere with you."
- 12/02/08

"Your sister came in here this morning and shit all over my face," my mother told me.
"Pardon me?"
"Emotionally," she clarified.
"Mom, that is the worst analogy I have ever heard," I informed her.
Ever since then, my brother and I have let nary a sentence pass through our lips without inserting "shit on my face" somewhere in there.
- 15/02/08

Yesterday my little brother informed me that my vagina is a cavernous black hole. The only thing I could think of to say in response is that, to my knowledge, a black hole cannot be cavernous.
- 17/02/08

I get a perverse sense of satisfaction out of cursing in front of my mother. So much so that I actually frequently drop the f-bomb in situations where I otherwise wouldn't merely because we are in the same room.
"What the fuck is this?" I ask her, holding up a new can opener.
She has recently taken to entirely ignoring the invectives I let loose, which has only inspired me to try harder for a reaction.
- 19/02/08

I love the way my dog smells, which is gross because my dog smells terrible.
- 22/02/08

"I've never touched myself while talking on the phone with you - until now," I joked.
"Oh baby, you really know how to start my engine," she said, in a monotone, clearly excited by my confession.
"But seriously, I can't talk to people on the phone unless I am almost entirely dressed. I think I've done it without a shirt before, but I always felt incredibly uncomfortable. The internet is a different story though. I talk to people naked on that all the time, especially when I am moisturizing."
- 23/02/08


Joseph said...

I'm not shitting on your face by telling you that the draft about your mom's face getting shit on was the funniest of the bunch.


Jenn said...

I totally agree with you about being naked on the phone. It really freaks me out.

My god. What about who's on the other end? What are they wearing?

I'm sticking to txting.

(on another tangent, I totally had a dream that I met you, coincidentally. You were very nice. :))

Megan said...

I am glad that I was a nice person in your dream because that totally would have blown if I'd turned out to be a giant asshole. I mean, I can totally be an asshole plenty of times, but I would like to think that while I am in other people's dreams I am on my best behaviour.

Anonymous said...

I talk to people naked on the Internet while moisturizing too! -Nina