Go figure....

I'm considering hiring a small crowd of people to wait outside of my bathroom and cheer every time I have a regular bowel movement. I'll either give them the thumbs up or thumbs down, and if all my efforts prove fruitless they will console me and say comforting words like "Don't worry, I'm sure next time will be better." or "I have a feeling tomorrow is the day!"

In other news, I have been instructed by the veterinarian to give the dog Metamucil. Apparently, he is not getting enough fiber in his diet and is having trouble passing stool. Super. So my dog is constipated, too. We can bond early in the morning as I drink a glass of "Smooth, orange flavor" Metamucil, and he somehow ingests his.
Metamucil is gross, and I have learned that you should drink it as quickly as possible otherwise it gets thick and gelatinous.. And there's nothing better than ingesting something that looks a whole lot like slime.


Anonymous said...

try the Metamucil/or/Citrucil tablets instead -- not nearly as gross.

Anonymous said...

How much are you going to pay each member of the crowd? Will it be by the event or by the minute/hour? If you are unsuccesful in your attempt to have a bowel movement, will I still get paid? What if I'm in the back of the group and you don't remember hearing or seeing me as you emerge victorious; will you still pay me?
Is this an ongoing gig or will we only be needed once?
About how many times a month will we be needed assuming you plan to keep us around?
Will there be auditions?
Is there any thing taboo that we shouldn't say as we wait outside your bathroom door that might hinder instead of help?
Will we get in trouble with your roommates making so much noise?
How long after a succesful bowel movement will we need to hang around for?
What if you stink? Will we be compensated additionally if you stink?
How long do these sessions take on average?
Will we be provided with seating or will standing be mandatory?
Is there any discrimination based on gender here?
How about age discrimination; any of that here?

sra said...

eh... there has to be some better alternative than metamucil. That stuff always looks so vile. I have a good recipe for muffins made from raisin bran, if you like.

Anonymous said...

You should try Benefiber. I've heard that it has no taste and doesn't change the consistency of the water (or any liquid that you put it in) too much. But then again I heard it from the Benefiber advertisers but... it could be worth a try.

Megan said...

Successful applicants will be paid on a per event term at a rate of approximately $100 per event.
My plan is to hire a full roster for the crowd so that each member only has to work twice a week (a total of 20 minutes per week).
The job would continue for a) as long as it takes before I have semi-regular bowel movements again, or b) until I have my bowels removed in favor of a plastic bag. Either or...
Members of the crowd are paid whether I have a successful bowel movement or not.
It does not matter if I see/hear you; so long as you have punched in your time card
(p.s. there will be time cards and a punch clock... just so that things run more smoothly).
There will be auditions. I am looking for enthusiastic clappers who have a variety of claps under their belt...
I am not, however, looking for applicants who have "the clap".
If you have "the clap" and can clap, by all means - try out, but if you are
relying solely on the name of your sexually transmitted disease then you should probably think twice before applying.
Noise is not an issue, you can say/do anything you feel necessary, aside from opening the door and entering the bathroom.
You will only be required to hang around for as long as it takes for you to applaud/yell words of encouragement.
After that you are free to do as you please.
There will be no unpleasant smells, as my bathroom is equipped with a great fan and several varieties of scented sprays.
Sessions, on average, last less than ten minutes.
Seating and snacks will be provided.
All ages, genders, and cultures welcome.

Anonymous said...

Right on! Thanks for the reply!!!