Time Flies

It has been ten years since I've heard your voice. Ten years since I've seen your face.

I find it hard to believe that so much time has passed.

I've always been the kind of person who feels someone's absence most once I am finally reunited with them. It is not until I am back in their company that I realize how much I was lacking without them. With you, I am thankful for this absence. I do not want to know how much less my life is without you in it.

I know that I miss you, and I know that losing you broke my heart. I've put it back together since, but it will never quite be what it was.

I sometimes think back to what I was doing during what would have been your final moments.

The doctor's office. That's where I was.

I felt gross that morning. I didn't want to go to work, so I went to the doctor's instead. The doctor determined there was nothing wrong with me. "But I feel gross," I told him. "Something is off."

I've had a long standing fear that I would forget you. Not you in general, but the little pieces you were made of. I don't worry about that anymore. When I close my eyes, I can picture your face(s). If I try hard enough, I can remember the way your voice(s) sounded when you said my name. I don't spend time wondering if you would be proud of the person I have become. I know you would be; I am a good person.

I used to think about you every day, but I don't any more. Sometimes I will stop and realize it's been months since I gave you any thought at all. I don't feel guilty about that anymore. It doesn't mean I love you any less.

Ten years ago today, you pulled out into an intersection when you shouldn't have. Ten years ago, you died, and I am still angry with you both for not giving me the chance to say goodbye.