2/04/2013

Pets: The Ultimate Cockblockers (After Children)

You will have both agreed from the start to take things slow. Physically and otherwise.

This is a change for you. Most every other "relationship" you have been in involved drunken sex (at least once) right out of the starting gate. Actually, you can't recall having ever gotten to know someone in this capacity without utilizing alcohol to help lubricate your tongue and other body parts.

The idea of going through any part of a relationship while sober terrifies you. But you push through anyway because that is what normal people do. You think at least.

And so you invite him to a date at your apartment during which you eat drug-laced cookies and watch the DVDs of a TV show you both enjoy. "Remember," you say to him, serious look on your face, "we are taking things slowly. I know that inviting you to my apartment would typically signify that you are going to get laid, but I am only going to let you get to second base - if even." He nods his understanding.

He doesn't attempt second base on his own. He does hold your hand though, and he does interrupt your intense focus on the television screen (which is really only actually intense because you are too high to figure out how to do anything but stare at one object and only one object at a time) to makeout. You do so willingly and close your eyes. Having your eyes closed makes things way easier for you because now you do not have to worry about focusing on anything other than his mouth. You can do that.

Your slow moving brain is trying to figure out what you can do to shift him so that the entirety of his body is laying on top of yours. You have some serious plans for grinding. Serious plans that are interrupted when you realize that your dog (who recently celebrated his first birthday) has decided that he would also like to experiment with recreational drugs and has started eating the special cookies from off of the coffee table.

That bastard. He is a bastard for many reasons: (1) he was born out of wedlock, (2) he pulled this very same shit yesterday (he went into the garbage and ate the spent pot that was used to make the special butter), and (3) his actions caused your man friend to stop what he was doing and look away.. immediately putting a halt to what you had already decided would be the best dry humping of your life.

Whatever. Fine. You can work with that.

You get up, move the cookies away, and sit back down next to your date. You are being a good girl, so climbing onto his lap is clearly out of the question. Also, you are too high to be able to pull off anything that could even remotely be considered a quick movement. It seems like anything that involves straddling could be dangerous.

When your date ever-so-gentlemanly takes your hand in his and begins to stroke your palm, you think, "fuck it," and not-so-subtly take the hand that had just been holding yours and place it on your breast. Also, it turns out that you didn't just think, "fuck it," you said that part out loud.

But, god bless him, you date just goes with it. And you are practically purring, for about two and a half minutes. At that point in time, Hudson proceeds to pee all over the floor right by your front door. By what is surely the grace of god, the dog did not urinate on your man friend's shoes. He did, however, create a small lake in your apartment. There is no ignoring it. And so you sigh, get up and proceed to mop up the mess. You're not even actually sure if you can blame the dog for his actions because there is a very good chance that he is even more high than you are. Regardless, the mood has once again been broken.

It is later on that night. You have resigned yourself to simply cuddling on the couch. Your head is near your dates lap and you are staring at his fly, silently apologizing to what lies beneath for neglecting it all night long. But, just to keep things interesting, you have been lazily running your hand along his thigh for the last ten minutes.

Inching your way closer and closer to..

Your elderly dog, who has just decided that there is room enough for three on the couch and is fed up with being the only one not getting stroked. You stop the movement of your hand and pat the dog on the head. It seems weird to be stroking both your dog and date at the same time.

The night eventually comes to a close when all three animals (cat included) just begin to stare at you and your date as you sit on the couch. It's unnerving.

You escort your date to the front door, but not before pressing a book into his hands. "Remember to read this before we go see the movie," you say. He nods. You see it as a chance to make your move and attack his face with your own.

He tries to take a brief romantic pause to ask you questions about whether or not you had fun and when you want to get together next. "Shut up," you want to say to him, "your talking is getting in the way of my kissing." But that would be kind of rude to say, wouldn't it? So you don't. Instead, you just stare at his lips because, hours later, you are still too high to really focus on much more than one thing at a time.

Eventually his lips stop moving and, just for good measure, you nod a few times (it seems like the thing to do) before moving back in for the kill. He seems pleased by this.

Several minutes later, he departs. He forgot the book. You stare at it for a second and then turn around to face the waiting crowd.

"Fuck you," you say to the two dogs and one cat. "You guys are such assholes."  

2 comments:

Accidentally Me said...

At least kids go to sleep and leave you alone:-) Anyway, this was a hilarious way to start my week!

Why the hesitancy to get naked?

Megan said...

Two reasons:

(1) I am currently feeling less than great about my body, so there are issues with that which are causing me to lack the confidence to bare all to others.

(2) With every other relationship I have been in, sex was pretty much a part of things right of the bat. I decided a little while ago that I was going to switch things up. I am going to wait until my comfort level is in line with my hormones before I get too frisky.