12/15/2012

But also because dog balls are just gross...

Once, I looked at the exact wrong time when my cat was grooming himself and accidentally saw his penis. I am not sure why this event disturbed me as much as it did. Logically, I knew that my cat had - rather has a penis. He is a boy. At one point in time he even had testicles, but I had those cut off years ago.

His anatomy, for me, is exactly like Stephen Harper. I know he exists. I know that he is out there somewhere. I know that he has some sort of purpose and/or role to fulfill. That being said, I do not ever anticipate running into him and would actually prefer to never encounter him or see him in person. The knowledge that there is a Stephen Harper is more than enough for me.

As a whole, I try to avoid seeing the genitals of all animals - especially those of my own. That has recently become nearly impossible with Hudson though. In dog years, he is a teenager. What that basically means is there is never NOT a time when his genitals are exposed. Any time he sits down *BAM* there it is. I tell people that he is excited by life. I am not sure that they buy it. Whenever we encounter small children, I am sure to strategically kneel down and block certain angles with my knee as to avoid unexpectedly saddling an innocent parent with a barrage of semi-birds-and-bees related questions.

Something I do worry about is the fact that Hudson is still an intact male. Because he is a giant breed dog, it was recommended to me by both vet and breeder to wait until he is fully grown to have him neutered. Something about doing so ensures that bones and joints grow/form at the proper rates, or maybe it was that he needed his testicles in order to be able to fly. I can't remember. Regardless, though he is never sans leash, many of the dog owners in my building let their animals roam free while on walks. Ninety-five percent of these dogs are barely larger than squirrels. My fear is that he will one day meet a bitch he just cannot resist (can you believe I just wrote a legitimate sentence like that?), and he's going to end up doing serious damage to it while attempting to express his puppy love. It would not be pretty. I mean, it wouldn't be pretty in general, but it would be especially not pretty because his reproductive organs are actually the same size as many of the dogs in my building.

I am figuratively (but one day this will become literal) counting down the days until I can have Hudson fixed. Largely because, for several reasons, it is the responsible thing to do as a pet owner. 

12/12/2012

But at least it wasn't a sext or picture of my boobs

Remember that time you sent your boss a text, that you meant to send to a friend, asking the polite way to let one's employer know that you have reached a point in time in your life where you'd like to earn enough money to start finally paying off your debt and that, while you're not going to actively start searching for jobs, you're no longer necessarily going to turn things down your way and might apply for something if it interests you?

Oh, wait... That wasn't you? That was me? My bad. 

12/10/2012

Maybe it was just to help loosen up...

The task that I had been given that morning seemed simple enough - oversee the moving of furniture from one now empty office to another and then ensure that everything looks as aesthetically pleasing as possible. And so, I stood there, in the hall and watched as desks were moved in and out and filing cabinets were passed back and forth.

But before everything could be settled in their final resting places, there was a need for a little tidying up to be done. Confetti from hole punchers were scattered in crooks and crannies that desks had once hidden, and paperclips seemed to be reproducing all over the place. A thorough vacuuming was in order, but first the papers that were strewn in the corner of one room needed to be moved. As the overseer, I took this task on myself. I bent over, expecting to pick up a pile of old brochures, when my hand encountered something else. A plastic package. A plastic package for an anal plug (anal plug still inside).

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Of all the things I expected to encounter at my place of work, this was not one of them.

Not knowing what to do with the item in question, I sought out my boss for advice. "Should we return it to her?" I asked.