Plethora of Posts

Dear Internet,
I am higher than a fucking kite right now. That's a funny word - kite - I wonder who made that word up. But that is unimportant - what is important is that I am stoned.
Stoned. Stoned. Stoned.

"I would love to!" I exclaimed, and was more than a little surprised to hear myself say it. I have never emceed at a wedding before and generally find myself uncomfortable in situations that involve speaking in front of crowds. Also, I do not speak Swedish and that could prove to be a problem.

My father and I met with a real estate agent last week. He was a balding, elderly gentleman who had sunspots intermixed with patches of white hair on his shiny head.
I was not thrilled that my father had called in the real estate agent when he did - the house was a mess, and I did not have adequate time to change out of my "work clothes" (read: pajamas) and into something more appropriate. I had wanted the house to sparkle with cleanliness and general awesomeness before we presented it to a realtor, and I generally enjoy a chance to shower so that I am clean when I meet new people. However, my father insisted that none of these things mattered in the grand scheme of things

"What is this for?" I asked her, holding up a strange looking device.
"Mosquito bites. It produces a small electrostatic current that causes the bite to stop itching," she explained.
"Oh," I said. "Does it hurt?"
"No. You can't even feel it."
I was curious as to whether or not this was actually true. And so, in the sake of science, I put the device against my sister's arm and initiated an electrostatic current.
"Ouch!" She cried, "What the hell did you do that for?!"
"LIAR! You lied! You said it did not hurt!"

Our conversations are never boring, that is for sure.
"I do not know," I told her, "I do not think that I could do it. I mean, I am relatively sure I could receive, but fairly confident that I could not reciprocate."

You know it is going to be a good story because he begins it by saying "So I was banging your friend Ashley..."

This morning I burped for what seemed like an hour. In reality it lasted mere seconds, but it felt like much more time had elapsed.


K. Restoule said...

you really need to start microblogging. I have one word for you. TWITTER. Google it.

Just Call Me Fabulous said...

Oh my God, I have not been stoned in so long, and I have actually really been wanting to be for close to a month now.

You're so hilarious. Definitely keep us posted on your emcee-ing adventures.