5/14/2006

How to give tours of the house you are trying to rent

Start off by telling potential renters that you are sorry the outside of the house looks "nasty". Using the word "nasty" is key. Point out how you have carelessly tossed weeds next to the flower bed and have failed to pick them up for several days now. Upon entering the front porch, explain that you have not cleaned it for a while, but that you will clean it in the near future - probably. Start the tour of the interior of the house by saying "This is hallway!" Sometimes people need to be told that they are walking in a hall, don't let the fact that blind people are usually the only ones who need to be told this deter you at all. When you walk into the living room, point out that it is the living room. Make sure that you make a few false starts before getting out any useful information. "Urg... Ummm... Eeee... There are more chairs for that table only we keep them in the basement..." When renting out rooms in a house it totally matters where you keep the additional dining room chairs. When you enter the kitchen, tell them how you make poor organizational choices, but feel that you are capable of change. Especially for them. The downstairs bathroom wows everybody, so it is very important that you somehow make it slightly less appealing. Tell potential occupants that the lady next door has seen you naked more times than your own mother. Potential occupants eat that kind of thing up. When you go upstairs, show them the computer room first in the hopes that they will fail to realize the rooms you want to rent them are probably not as big as they would like. Then quickly usher them towards the upstairs bathroom and recall the time you thought you would be totally awesome at using drywall compound to smooth out walls. Explain that using drywall compound is much harder than it looks. They will both nod in agreement. When you take them down into the basement it is important to point to the bag of garbage you have carelessly left on the floor. "It is full of dryer lint" you say (with a smile). Tell them that you are working very hard to make the basement less creepy, then tell them how when you first moved in you were sure that a serial killer had lived here right before you. When you show them the backyard you will point out all the things you have not done, as opposed to all the things that you have. Tell them they can't go in the real backyard though because you sprayed it with weed killer yesterday.
Your sparkling personality will win them over, and maybe they will also like the house (if you are lucky). They will ask you if they should leave a deposit with you, or if they should call your Dad. You tell them to call your Dad. You told your Dad earlier in the week that it was now his job to pretend he is "the man". This way if someone tries to complain to you, you will say "I do not handle this stuff, call my Dad." To officially finish up the tour, allow your dog to jump on the potential renters. People love it when strange dogs jump on them. Especially if the strange dog smells bad and may or may not have mud on his paws. Walk the potential renters back to the driveway and tell them to have a good day. People like it when you show you care.
Almost immediately, run into the house and call your father. Tell him that you are the most awesome tour guide ever and that you were the major selling point, not any of the actual house.

3 comments:

Dunzo said...

Megan, you're hilarious. I can't believe you. You have no idea...

Jason said...

That entry just made me burst out laughing. I gave a tour today of my house that was very similar to yours. lol.

Dunzo said...

Me too. That's why this post is so incredibly unbelievable; in addition to its grand humor!