Good fortune

I am a fortunate person. 

I repeat this to myself, when things feel tough. 

I am a fortunate person. 

I am a fortunate person in so many ways. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my fridge. I have a job. I have people who care about me. 

I am a fortunate person, but sometimes things just feel so overwhelming. Am I living the life I'm supposed to be? Have I taken enough chances? Did I let opportunity pass me by in lieu of the comfort of familiarity? I am a fortunate person, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder what more there could be. I wonder what I have missed out on in favour of protecting my own heart. 

I am a fortunate person, but I am terrified of the future. I am terrified of the day when I won't be able to pick up the phone and hear the voice of my mother or my father. Forty is just around the corner, and yet I don't feel like any more of an adult than I did 30 years ago. I am a fortunate person, but I know, with the certainty of everything that is inside of me, that if I ever lost my sister or my brother I would just be an empty shell. I am a fortunate person, but I look at my dog, as his health begins to fail, and I wonder which walk will be our last. I wonder if he truly knows just what a good boy he's been. I wonder if I showed him enough. If I loved him enough. If I deserved his love in return. 

I am a fortunate person, but I have no idea what my future holds, or if I will even have a job this time next year. I have bills to pay - a mortgage even, and commitments that cause this ever present sense of panic in the pit of my stomach. Will a time come when I will ever feel relaxed? Will I always feel like I am running as hard as I can just to avoid falling behind? Will there ever be a time when things feel easy? 

But for all my fears, for all my uncertainties, I mean it when I say that I am a fortunate person. I am fortunate to feel enough love that I fear its loss. I am fortunate to have a house I worry about losing. I am fortunate each day that I wake up with a future that is still full of opportunity. I am a fortunate person, and I can't imagine that there will ever be a time where I won't want to express my gratitude for that in whatever ways I can. It's why I donate blood. It's why I volunteer. It's why I donate money here and there. 

I am a fortunate person, and, one day, I hope that I feel worthy of being so fortunate.