Posts Galore!!!!!!!!

My father is probably one of a handful of people in the world who truly believes that using French doors in a bathroom is a innovative decorative feature. It's actually not though. Using French doors in a bathroom, especially a bathroom that has two entrances that are perpendicular to one another, is pretty much always a mistake.
I have nothing against French doors for the most part, but opacity is something I generally tend to look for in the door to the room in which I have bowel movements.
- 20/10/07

How can a tampon have a no slip grip? And do I really want something with a no slip grip inside of my vagina?
- 23/10/07

Halloween is one of my favourite holidays, primarily because all I do is sit in a chair for a couple of hours by my parents' front door and eat all of my favourite candies out of the giant bowl of junk food that has been purchased for the children of the neighbourhood as I wait for tiny beings to bang on the door demanding that I give them stuff. The thing about this neighbourhood is that there are hardly any children anymore. While the lack of children has inspired some of the elderly neighbours to forgo Halloween altogether, it has inspired others to dole out fist fulls of chocolate to anyone who knocks at the door - children, pizza men, Jehovah's Witnesses alike. Truth be told, I am half tempted to cut off my own legs, only from the knees down, and make the rounds each Halloween because I am confident that I could collect enough candy that losing both of my legs from the knees down really wouldn't bother me that much. The only thing keeping my lower legs safe is the fact that my parents have yet to give up on the children of Aldershot. Each year they buy more and more candy, with a "Field of Dreams" type naivety that if they buy it, they will come (the second "they" being the children, as opposed to baseball players from the 1920's). And yet, each year, fewer and fewer children make the rounds and my siblings and I are forced to consume more an more empty calories because - hey - somebody has to eat that candy.
- 31/10/07

"I am re-naming my cat 'Mr. Sparkles!'," I told them.
"Mr. Sparkles?" my mom repeated.
"No, Mr. Sparkles!, there is an exclamation point at the end of sparkles," I explained.
"Just a quick question," my mom paused to take a sip of her coffee before continuing, "do you really hate your cat that much?"
"Yes," I told her. "Sometimes I really do."
- 02/11/07