Lessons Learned from Sister Act

Have you ever watched the movie Sister Act? Of course you have. How could you not have?

I watched it this evening in preparation for the bar. Going forward, this will be a regular thing for me.

It was magical.

Did you know that the power to move people was in the nuns the whole time? It wasn't Sister Mary Clarence that made the other nuns great. She just helped them realize that there is greatness inside each and everyone of us.

For the nuns in the movie, I would assume that the aforementioned greatness is largely represented through the ability to sing gospel songs that have been modernized, but it is probably different for other people. For instance, for me, my greatness is in my ability to become a ridiculously great dancer after having consumed a few alcoholic beverages.

I am going to confess something: I may have had a few drinks tonight. Or maybe I had five drinks. Whatever. That is unimportant. What is important is that I am going to leave my regular job to pursue a career in interpretive dance. My dances will all be interpretations of various colours of crayons that Crayola makes.

Shocking Pink is going to blow your mind(s).

Israel: It's hot there

In my head, I had always imagined all of Israel to look like something out of biblical times. You know, like this.

I thought there would be more sandals. Oh boy, did I ever think there would be more sandals. I did not see many sandals though. Actually, truth be told, I did not ever really pay attention to the footwear of others. In fact, I cannot recall having ever looked at the footwear of others while on the trip. And it turns out that people in Israel (or at least most people in Israel) stopped building houses out of piles of stones a long time ago.

My trip to the Middle Earth was full of Jesus, Bedouins and camels. Also, there was lots of wine.

I haggled for a hookah, covered myself in Dead Sea mud, poked a dead crab in the Sea of Galilee (it did not rise again, in spite of my best efforts) and saw lots of places where Jesus may or may not have visited/been born/been buried/ascended/etc.,.

Lessons learned: (1) adding "You mean, assuming that there was a Jesus.." to the end of what a tour guide is telling you is not necessarily a popular response when touring with a religious group and (2) there are some exceptionally attractive Jews in Jerusalem.

Out of office automated response

In Israel.

It is hot here.

Be back soon.

Pictures of my Stitches

It was 9:40 pm and I was right on schedule to by in bed by 10 pm. Beautiful. The only tasks I had to accomplish were (1) Walk the dog, (2) Do the dishes and (3) Take a shower (if I was feeling exceptionally ambitious).

"I will do the dishes first," I decided, as I was bound to lose interest in them once I walked the dog.

This proved to be a mistake.

I was halfway finished with my domestic engineering duties when the glass in my hand, for no apparent reason, broke in two. "Oh shit," I sighed, as I watched blood escape from a newly formed wound on my hand.

As I am wont to do with most injuries or medical issues, I took a picture and sent it to my nurse friends with the message, "Do you think this needs stitches?" And then waited patiently for an answer.

I decided that this was as good of a time as any to take the dog for his walk. He needed to go to the washroom and I needed to.. Well.. I needed to go to the hospital and didn't want to return to my apartment only to find a pile of dog shit on my dining room (a.k.a. bicycle room) floor. He had already pooped on the floor once that week (long work days + dogs with indigestion = bad things) and I was not keen on a repeat performance. So I slapped a generic bandage on that bad boy and headed outdoors.

People complain about Emergency Room wait times, and I can understand being moody and impatient when you are ill or a loved is ill, but, really, it is not so bad.

Sure... It was a work night and I sat in the ER, waiting, for five hours before I was taken to into an examination room, but Flashdance was playing on the television! It was practically worth cutting my hand open for that alone.

I waited in the examination room for another half of an hour before one of the Emergency Room doctors was able to see me. She was friendly and we made small talk while she tended to my wound. "I am just going to tack that back together," she told me. We'd been discussing the possibility of glueing my wound instead of stitching (please refer to this post to see the awesomeness of glue when it comes to wounds), so I was unsure which option she had decided to go with. I mean, the English major in me knows that "tack" typically refers to a temporary stitch, but it also refers to the quality of being sticky... which super glue is.

Even after she had injected my hand with freezing, I was still not sure which route the lady doctor would take. Perhaps she had an exceptional bedside manner and wanted to ensure my visit to the hospital was as painless as possible, even if she was just going to glue shit back in place. She had mentioned that sometimes glue did not work so well on joints, so, for the sake of my career as a (future) hand model and my reputation as a badass, I was crossing my uninjured fingers for stitches. And it worked!

It was 3:30 am by the time I was bandaged up and ready to go. I decided that I would make a half-hearted attempt to be at work for 9 am the next morning, but that I would realistically opt to sleep in instead. I was going to get sympathy no matter what, so it really didn't matter when I showed up.



The doctor had told me to leave the bandage on until "tomorrow." While at work, I argued with co-workers over when tomorrow was. "You got your stitches at 3 am. This means tomorrow is Friday," they all said. But the more I thought about my bandaged hand, the itchier it got and the more determined I was that Lady Doctor's definition of "tomorrow" was probably flexible.

When I finally took the bandage off of my hand, I was disappointed. It looked pretty wimpy. I mean, yes, of course I was totally badass now with three stitches, but the street cred it gave me was comparable to that which Martha Stewart received when she went to Camp Cupcake. So I made a decision right then and there: from now on, when anybody asked, instead of telling them how I really injured my hand, I would say that I got cut in a knife fight.


Will they believe me? Maybe yes, maybe no (probably no). They do not need to know that "knife fight" is code for doing the dishes. It is none of their business. Plus, I have stitches now. I am badass. People who are badass don't care about stuff like whether or not someone really believes that they were in a knife fight.

New challenge: drunk jogging.

Out of boredom, I have decided to take up drunken jogging. As normal jogging has never really held an interest for me, I feel like drunken jogging will open up a whole new door.

"But Megan," I am sure you are saying to yourself, "you cannot possibly expect to stay drunk throughout your entire run." And that is a good point, but I actually can expect to stay drunk throughout my entire run, and I will tell you how: I will fill my camel pack with amaretto and coke.

Will I vomit? Absolutely. Will it make me a better runner? I am going to have to go with no on this one. But will it make running more interesting? Probably... if only because it will make it that much more difficult to actually do the running in the first place. Will I fall over? Will I veer from one side of the the sidewalk to the other? Who knows, but it is pretty likely. Only time will tell for sure. 

Something to think about...

Every year, upon getting older, I make myself a list of things I hope to accomplish in that year of life. With a little under two months until my next birthday, I have started looking over my list in an attempt to see what else I can reasonably cross off.

If my calculations are correct, I could, in theory, put a line through another six of my goals. That would give me an 80% success rate for goals achieved in the 26th year of my life. I think that is pretty decent when you think about.

I have started thinking about goals for my upcoming year of life. As I will be turning twenty-seven, there will be twenty-seven of them. I am now accepting suggestions from the Internet.

I bake bread now

It's true. I do. I made that bread in the photo above. And it's not just any bread; it is fancy bread. Two loaves are sun-dried tomato and rosemary and the other two are caramelized onion.

I do not recall what inspired me to take on the challenge of becoming a baker of bread, but one day I said to myself, "Megan... It's time."

Bread making, I have found, is an art that takes time to perfect. Making the dough is relatively easy, but making the dough in such a way that it will rise properly and in the shape you intend it to look like post-oven is another story. And let us not even discuss the challenges of ensuring your bread is golden brown.

Needless to say, I have made probably about 20 loaves of bread in the last two weeks. That is not even an exaggeration. I have made at least two loaves of bread per day, every day.

"But Megan," I would imagine you are saying, "what ever are you doing with all of this bread?"

The answer is that I have been taking it to work and giving it to the people there. It makes me look like I am a great person when really I am just trying to pawn off my bread onto others. It is like I am an evil genius.

Reality Check

"I've gotten away with not shaving all week. I am not sure if I am going to break the cycle or stick to what's working," I said.

"You haven't gotten away with it all week. It's not working," she told me sternly.

Illusions shattered, I glanced down at my legs. Of course I could see the hair there, but do other people really pay that close attention when I am out and about?

Apparently, yes.

Incontinence Sunday

I paused, unsure what to do, as I made eye contact with the black and white beast.

A snake.

A snake in the stairwell of my apartment building.

What the fuck?!

As I have been an apartment dweller for nearly a year now, dog and I have a daily routine of going for walks so that he is able to evacuate his bladder and bowels in a location that is not my floor. This is why I found myself to be in that particular stairwell, at approximately 11 pm on a Sunday night, face-to-scaly-face with a two foot long snake that was very clearly not indigenous to the area.

The dog seemed confused. The snake seemed angry and frightened. I seemed questionably able to keep control over my own bowels.

"Come on, Dog," I said, slowly backing away, "I like the other set of stairs better anyway."

Later, I would post a warm-hearted, cleverly composed (in sparkly pen no less!) note to the mailroom door, in the hopes that whoever owned the snake would keep better tabs on it in the future and I would not have to worry about needing an underwear change upon returning from walks with my own beast.

And now I just wait for the money to roll in

One of my neighbours has this sign posted on her apartment door:

I decided that this was a good idea (time and paper saver!) and created a sign of my own:

In case you cannot read the above, it says: Willing to convert (religions or political affiliation) for cash.

Why it is best to only keep one window open at a time

"Go check your hotmail account," the email read, "I sent a photo to it. It is of (insert name here of mutual acquaintance here). I'm so disgusted I might throw up. And I wasn't even married to the man."

It was morning and I was at work. I try to avoid checking my personal email when at work, unless I have a specific reason to check it, because I like to pretend to be professional like that.

I did not know exactly what the photo would show, but I knew that it was likely something that I did not want to see and that I would never be able to unsee it.

"Yuck," I typed in response, "I do not want to look at that picture. Especially not at work." And then I hit "send" and went about my business.

For about thirty seconds.

Which is when I noticed that there was still a message window open on my desktop. A "reply" message window. A "reply" message window that was replying to the email that I had just been reading.

"Uh oh," I said aloud. Because if the reply message window to my friend's email was still open.. that would mean that I had just replied to an email from someone else..

I immediately went to my "sent messages" folder, found out who I had sent the message to and began damage control.

"Oops, sorry about that. That email was not meant to go to you. But what you had sent me was great! Let's go with that. Thanks for everything you are doing and keep up the good work!"

You see, when sending a damage control email out, it is important to acknowledge your mistake and then entirely change the subject of the message in order to make it seem like your faux-pas was not the primary motivation for sending another email.

I also made a ball out of rubber bands

She may be 75, but I do not care; I will crush her.

At work, we are having a pedometer challenge. I am currently sitting comfortably in second place, behind one of our volunteers.

I would be number one still had I not gotten sick and then essentially been immobile for two weeks in India. But I did get sick, and I was stuck in a hotel room for the better part of two weeks. And now, I am 200,000 steps behind the 75-year-old stepping wonder.

"I will crush your spirits like the bones of an elderly woman suffering from osteoporosis," I tell her each time I see her. It's cool to say these kinds of things to her because we both know that, even though she is 49 years older than me, she could easily take me in a knife fight - and I would fight her with knife. I'd need it if I wanted to win.

One of my favourite parts of my job is the interaction I have with coworkers and volunteers. I am in charge of communications, so, in theory, socializing while at work actually falls under my job description.

Other things I have done at work (both on and off the clock):

• Played Hide-and-go-Seek with small children
• Plastic wrapped a vehicle
• Weeded
• Moved furniture
• Baked cookies
• Shoveled snow
• Transported myself from one end of the building to the other by doing walking lunges (multiple times)
• Tied ribbon around plants
• Created memos that read "You smell," and signed them using an electronic copy of my boss's signature
• Playfully threatened the elderly
• Started a fight club (so far, I am the only one in the fight because the first rule of fight club is don't talk about fight club and this kind of makes a membership drive tough)

Soon I will be able to add "made cotton candy" to that list. Yeah... That's right, I'm going to make cotton candy. You should be jealous of me for everything job related except how much I am actually paid.

Cake Farts

"You know what I like the best?" the video starts. No, strange, pant-less woman on my computer screen, I do not know what you like the best. However, based on the name of your website, I feel comfortable guessing that it involves cakes and flatulence.

Why was I on a website that had anything to do with cake farts? Well, a coworker told me to go there and I am just very obedient... or stupid.

I could not watch the whole video, even though it was only one minute and fifteen seconds long. After all, the woman had no pants (or underwear!) on and was about to climb aboard a kitchen counter along side a cake. I had a sick feeling in my stomach regarding what would happen next.

I do not care how funny it may be, I do not want to see anyone farting on cakes. Cakes are made to be eaten, not farted on. In fact, I would argue that very few things are meant to be farted on - but cakes are, like, way, way up there on that list.

Bicycle Room

I no longer have a bicycle room in my apartment.

Wait, what? I never told you about my bicycle room? Oh.

Well, I used to have a room in my apartment that contained just my bicycle and exercise bike. I called this room the bicycle room.

Why did I store nothing but bicycles (stationary and mobile) in this room? The answer is pretty simple: I just do not have that much stuff.

And so, I kept my bicycles in that room and, when bored, I would ride my bicycle around the room. It was an exceptionally short loop, but it helped pass the time. Eventually, I decided against indoor bicycling because the sound of tires on hardwood is kind of annoying.

Midnight Runs

I grimaced as I felt the crunch beneath my shoe.

A snail.

A casualty of my late night jog.

The sidewalk glistened under the streetlights, still wet from the rain that had poured down upon them from morning until early evening.

I remember when I was much younger, after the rain, the smell of the juniper bushes in my grandparents' front yard. My grandfather would take great pride in stepping on the snails as they tried to escape the wetness all around them.

I do not enjoy crushing snails. In fact, the rest of my jog, I am especially mindful of where I step in an attempt to prolong the lives of many snails and worms who are out of their homes and sharing this evening with me.