8/28/2010

Things I know

- All relationships are finite and invaluable.
- Sometimes good people do bad things.
- If you pick at it, it will scar.
- If there are dirty dishes in your sink and you leave them there, and no one except for you ever enters or leaves your apartment, those dirty dishes are just going to stay dirty.
- Happiness cannot be found at the bottom of a carton of ice cream. Temporary contentment can be, but it often leads to indigestion and cottage cheese thighs.
- Lying is not for lazy people. It takes too much thought and organization to be good at. Trust me, it is just not worth it.
- There is no cool way to choke on your own spit.
- At some point in time in your life, a dog is going to lick you directly after licking its own anus.
- There is no need to be embarrassed if you slip and fall in mud. Mud is slippery. It is not your fault.
- Adding chocolate chips to chocolate pudding does not make the chocolate pudding more awesome. You will just end up disappointed and feel bloated.
- Wearing white clothes allows you to fully realize just how dirty you truly are.
- At any given moment, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Unless you are running late or are lost, in which case you should really have a map and learn to plan better.
- Breakdance cannot be learned through osmosis. You're going to have to practice that shit.
- It is best not to make bacon while naked. Especially if you do not even eat bacon and are just trying to be extra sweet. It is in your best interest to put an apron on.
- Even when the little man is lit up and, as a pedestrian, it is your turn to cross the street, it is important to look both ways. Some motorists are assholes and will run you down.
- Frequently, men seem to be unfamiliar with the concept of trimming their toenails.
- Saying, "Why me?" when something bad happens to you just makes you sound like a whiner. Why not you? Why not anyone?
- Being embarrassed about pooping is a waste of time. Everybody poops. You should be proud that you have regular bowel movements.
- Although they may claim otherwise, most people would eat a bug if you gave them enough money or if they were really hungry. Besides, most people have probably already eaten bugs in their sleep.
- If you get pink eye and you have not been around another person who has pink eye, you probably do not wash your hands well enough after you go to the bathroom.
- Eating fourteen hash browns in one sitting: better in theory than it is in practice.
- If you are somewhere that is foreign to you (specifically a country) and what you are eating tastes good, don't ask what is in it. It is sometimes better not to know.

8/07/2010

But I will admit that, after brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack, I am too drunk to be functional

I am not going to lie, Internet I really relate to the song "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha because I, too, often wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

It is true. Frequently, I open my eyes after a night of slumber and feel exactly how I would imagine a 40-year-old black male rapper, record producer, actor, fashion designer, dancer and singer feels.

I am not surprised that many people are unable relate to this particular bit of lyrical genius. Few know this kind of joy and are therefore resentful of those who are able to appreciate Ke$ha's timeless wisdom.

8/05/2010

In honour of my cousin's wedding

"I'm going to tell you a secret," I half whispered, "I am a little drunk."

It wasn't really a secret though. It was actually fairly obvious to most anyone within a 100 miles of me that evening. One whiskey sour, four gin and tonics, two glasses of wine, one glass of champagne and three screwdrivers will do that to you though.

"I am drinking on behalf of my sister and in honour of my dead grandparents," I told anyone who would listen - or at least anyone who looked like they may be judging me.

At the end of the night, I pulled my father aside and had a frank discussion with him. "Here is the deal," I said, "I need you to go get me pizza because if I do not eat something now I am going to throw up tomorrow in the car when we are driving home." I was anticipating a 'no,' so when he promptly agreed, I celebrated by having one last drink.

When I returned home a few days later, everyone asked how my trip had been. "Was it windy there? Is Chicago really the windy city?"

No, Chicago had not been windy.

The only "wind" I had experienced came in the form of an unexpected burst of air through a grate above a subway line. Accidentally showing strangers your underwear, while walking down the street, is a good way to make friends. Remember that.