10/19/2006

At least for now

We are spooned up in his bed, his arm wrapped around my waist, when he says it. "It's time, isn't it?"
I don't pretend to misunderstand what he means. It is time. It is past time. I open my mouth to respond in the affirmative, but, to my horror, all that comes out is a sob. It is past time, but that does not make it any easier. I was not in love with him, but that doesn't mean my heart will break any less. Despite my best efforts, I find myself overwhelmed by grief.
"Shhhhhh." He coos to me, turning me around in his arms and rubbing my back. "It is okay." But it is not okay. I am not okay.
I was waiting for him to let me go, trying to pretend that when he did everything would still be fine.
I don't want to lose him, but I can't keep him out of fear that this is my only chance. He deserves so much more than that.
"I didn't expect this reaction from you." He whispers. "Is it bad that it makes me feel better?" I shake my head. Of all the times I have hurt him with my indifference and have been unable to give him the words he needed, I am glad that I could do this small thing for him. I am glad that, even if it is through my pain, he is finally able to see what he means to me.
"You know what I will miss most?" He asks me.
"If you say my dog I am going to castrate you." I try to smile through my tears, but the corners of my mouth seem to be weighted down. My body has staged a protest, leaving me unbearably vulnerable in the process.
Some people can cry and still look attractive, but not me. My face gets splotchy, my eyes get puffy and red, and my nose runs like a faucet. I am the picture of anything but beauty, but he is looking at me like I am all he's ever wanted and it is too much. I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths. I feel sick. Oh god, I feel sick. I hate myself for getting this upset when it is exactly what I wanted. I hate myself for losing control like this in front of him. I hate myself for not being able to love him the way I should have.
He is wiping my tears away with the pads of his thumbs, and he is so unbelievably gentle that I think I might break. When I finally open my eyes, I see that he is crying too. We are crying together. Though I don't remember exactly when I'd moved them, my arms are wrapped around him tightly. I don't ever want to let go. I want to melt right into him. When we get out of this bed, when I leave this house, everything will be different. I can't stand the idea of losing him.
"When we promise to stay friends, don't let that be a lie," I plead. "I can't lose you." And he nods his head, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob when he swallows.
We lay there forever, until reality can be held off no longer.
'This is the last goodbye.' I think, as we embrace in his doorway. When I've gathered enough strength, I pull away and start walking to my car. 'Don't look back,' I tell myself.

3 comments:

The Shabudabu said...

Ahh... I bawled my eyes for a half hour after reading this. I have felt many of the same things, time and time again, including recently. Goodbyes are never easy.

Thank you and best of luck moving on.

sjer said...

I so needed to read that just now. Thank you immensely for sharing.

Just Call Me Fabulous said...

wow, so that basically ripped my heart out. beautifully written.